My Life As Emmett
by AlwaysOlivia
Summary: A hilarious story about Emmett's new job and his life with Rosalie. After breaking Dawn. What is Emmett's new job you ask? well you'll have to read it and find out! It's worth it! Rated T just in case.
1. Emmett's Doing What!

**Hey Everybody! This is my first fanfic and I'm so excited that you clicked my story! Enjoy and review!**

**Disclaimer: Are you kidding me? If owned Twilight I would be sailing around the Caribbean on my yacht right now. But, no, I don't own Twilight.**

**Emmett POV **

"What do you want Emmett?" Edward said. He looked annoyed. As if I had interrupted something important. What could be more important than me?

I stuck my tongue out at him then grinned, "Wouldn't you know 'O Great Mind Reader'?"

"I was simply saying that for everyone else's sake. And think your idea is Idiotic. This is not going to end well…" He was smirking. _You'll see. _I thought.

I had called the entire Cullen family to the living room to tell them the great news. Surely Carlisle and Esme would be proud of me?

"Okay everyone so… what's up?"

"Get on with it Emmet. I can feel the excitement coming off of you. No need to stall…" Jasper said.

I grinned my biggest grin "Well, I decided that I needed to get a job to support Rose's _ahem _expensive taste," I looked at her. Her eyes were narrowed but she smiled at me. I winked at her but everyone saw anyway. "And I can't keep mooching off of you guys or you'll eventually gang up on me and I will die a second time. So, I'm going to babysit little kids for a job! What do you think? Great idea, huh?"

Silence. Then…

"What possessed you to do _that _Emmett?" Rosalie exclaimed.

"Emmett with little kids. This is gonna work out great." Alice says. Sarcasm.

"This isn't going to work Emmett." Jasper said a-matter-of-factly.

"I can't wait to see how this goes." Edward says with a grin.

"Emmett, who's going to hire a supposedly 20 year old man to babysit their _little kids?_" Bella says.

"Shut up Bella," I say. "Dad, Mom?" I knew they were on my side when I called them that. They really were like my parents. I loved them.

Carlisle spoke while Esme nodded, "We will always support you, Emmett. No matter what you decide to do."

"Thanks Mom and Dad! I gotta go advertise my babysitting expertise. See everyone later!" And I left.

**Well that's it for the first chapter. Sorry it was so short. It's supposed to kinda be like an introduction. Anyway, leave a review by clicking the button. I'm going to keep writing anyway so leave good criticism! I'll update again very soon. – Love GWG**


	2. Yay! My First Job!

**Hello again! Umm… I am very upset. Nobody reviewed chapter one so I don't know if I should continue. Please review. You don't even have to write something intelligent. Just write "hi" or whatever so I know people are reading my story. Please? I know, the first chapter was horrible but it gets better! I promise!**

**Disclaimer: I **_**do **_**own the time between dawn and sunrise or between sunset and dusk, during which sunlight scattering in the upper atmosphere illuminates the lower atmosphere, and the surface of the earth is neither completely lit nor completely dark. But no, I don't own Twilight.**

**Emmett's POV**

So, everyone doubted my ability to take care of children. Well screw them. They don't know what they're talking about. I can take care of children. How hard can it be?

I went on the computer and made this super awesome flyer. (I didn't mention I was a guy. Bella made sense.)I ran to the community center and put the flyers. Then the preschool and, finally, the elementary school. Now all I had to do was wait.

oooOooo

Rosalie and I were in the living room, chatting while I played with her hair. She was going on about our differences and how we _had_ to go to the mall so she could give me a makeover. She was sounding like Alice.

"- You also need to shower more. Sometimes you _stink._ And then there's your taste in music-"

She was cut off by my cell phone ringing. Our eyes locked for a full second before we both pounced on the phone. She got closer to it than me but I swiftly grabbed her waist and pulled her backwards so I could get ahead. I grabbed my phone and ran for it. I made all the way off the porch before she tackled me. Rose sat on my back and grabbed the phone. This whole ordeal takes about one second.

I feel like throwing her off of me but I restrain myself. Why did she even tackle me? What was she going to tell the person who was calling me?

"What the hell?" I shout.

"Emmett, think about it. You and I both know that this is some desperate mom that needs a babysitter to watch her kids while she strips for extra money. Strippers care about their kids a lot, Em , and as soon as this mom hears your voice she's going to hang up and call the police to report a strange man trying to get alone with her kids." She grimaced. The phone had only rang twice since we were in the living room.

"Relax, Rose. I got this." She gets off of me and I take the phone "Hello?" I say. Rose snickers. I was trying to make my voice higher and less intimidating.

"Hello. I'm Martha McAllen and I'm calling about the babysitting add. What's your rate and how good is your experience?"

"First hour is 15$ and then it's eight dollars an hour. As for my experience, I have four younger siblings and I've always taken care of them for my parents. I just love them and all kids so much…" I sniffed. Rosalie gives me a exasperated look. I smirk at her.

"Well that sounds great! Could you come over today at 7:00?"

"I'll be there!"

"Good. See you then." There was a _click_ when she hung up.

I grinned evilly at Rose. "Told you this would work out."

"Why don't you wait a while before you say that." She said.

**Yay! I can't wait to tell you about how Emmett's babysitting job goes! Find out in the next chapter. Also, REVIEW! If you don't I will die, then, everyone I know will seek you out to avenge my death. True story. So get clicky with it and click that button. Do it now! Why are you still reading this? Click the dang button. –Love GWG 3**


	3. Little Boogers and DVD players

**Hello people of Earth! It's me again, bringing the next installment of "My Life As Emmett" Yes I did change the name. Ooh! I keep forgetting to tell you to check out my profile. Now I have told you. So do it. When you're done reading. Also, WRITE A FREAKING REVIEW! Or else…**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or the Fanny Pack song. I wish I owned the Fanny Pack song though.**

**Emmett's POV **

When Rosalie and I went back inside, everyone was assembled in the living room.

"Hey everybody! Guess what? I just got a babysitting job! Tonight at 7:00!"

"That's great Emmett!" Esme said. Everyone was laughing.

"This is gonna be GREAT!" Jasper said.

"Oh yeah, Jasper?" I said "What's so great about it?"

"The fact that you will be corrupting some poor woman's kids to the point that said woman will go insane and have to be put in a mental asylum. That's what's so great."

Everyone looked at Jasper. "What?" He said.

oooOooo

I pulled up to the address Martha McAllen had texted me in my large Jeep, blasting the music really loud. I saw the curtains twitch. They could probably hear it inside the house. I parked on the curb and strolled up to the door and knocked. A few seconds pass by when suddenly, the door swings open and I am sprayed in the eyes with something. I was surprised to feel it tingling a little. Nothing hurts me… I focus my eyes to see an averaged sized woman with wavy red hair standing in the doorway, holding a can of… pepper spray? I mind immediately goes to Victoria but this is not her. This must be Martha.

"What the Hell?" I say. "Do you pepper spray everyone who comes to your door or just your babysitters?"

"I didn't hurt you?" She sounds annoyed.

"Psh, Naw." Martha looked at me with wide eyes. Oops… I think. "Maybe it's expired."

"Who are _you_?"

"I'm the babysitter. I'm Emmett Cullen."

"Wow. You don't look like a babysitter."

I look down at myself. I was wearing a tight black T-shirt that showed off my most of my muscles, and regular black jeans. I grunted.

"Well okay Emmett. Please come in and meet the children. I'm sorry I sprayed you with expired pepper spray."

"It's fine." _La la la. This is a nice house. Wait a minute… _"Did you say _kidsss_?" I put lots of emphasis on the plural in kids.

"Yes I have two kids." Two little boogers? Seriously? What in the world would possess a woman and a man to have _two _children?

This time I groaned quietly.

"Chloe, Lucas? Come meet Emmett!"

Two little kids, came running down the stairs. The girl, Chloe, looked about 7 or 8. Lucas looked about 5 or 6.

"Okay, well I'm leaving now. Bye. I'll be back around Midnight. Emergency numbers are on the fridge!" She slammed the door.

"She was in a rush." I mutter. "So kiddos, what do you want to – Hey!" The Smaller Booger had kicked me in the shin. It didn't hurt it was just annoying. He bolted up the stairs along with the Big Booger. I decided to chase them, even though that's probably what they wanted.

As soon as I got close to each of their little ankles I grabbed them and held them upside down by those ankles. They squealed and wiggled but I just laughed at them.

"Put us down and we promise we'll be good." Booger number one (Chloe) said, while Booger number two scoffed.

"Yeah, Right. I was a kid before too." I say "But I guess I'll have to put you down soon anyway. Do you guys want to watch a movie?" That'll kill two hours I thought.

"Yes but we don't have a DVD player."Says Chloe.

"Or DVD's." say Lucas.

"The malls still open let's go buy one." I say. "Put on your shoes."

"Aren't they expensive?" They both say. _That_ was going to be annoying if they kept doing it.

"Naw. Besides, my family is insanely rich. I'll buy you guys whatever you want."

The boogers were wide eyed.

We got into the Jeep. I had to pick them up and put them in because they were so small. As we drove to the mall I put in a random CD. Not bothering to check the title. When I realized what song it was, I got pumped.

"Yeah! This is my _Song!_" I started to sing.

"Walkin' down the street and everybody's starin'  
>Just jealous of what I'm wearin'<br>That's right it's a fanny pack, bitches  
>Hot pink and matches my britches<p>

You're thinking "that guy's insane  
>Damn, what's his name? What's wrong with his brain?"<br>I'm perfectly sane, just hear what I say  
>Everything I need's just one zip away<p>

My fanny pack, my fanny pack is all I need  
>It's on my waist while I shower and while I pee<br>It holds my hairspray so I look good every day  
>It holds me tight and keeps the Boogie Man away<p>

You can't mess with my fanny pack, I'm a maniac  
>It's a fact, you better watch your back<br>Packs more than a back pack  
>One time i looked inside and I found an iMac<p>

Only tough guys wear fanny packs  
>Hulk Hogan, Chuck Norris and this guy…<br>Diss me and you better watch your back  
>I'll smack you with my 20 pound fanny pack<p>

I've been attacked by a wild beast  
>I think it was a furry hippopotamus from Greece<br>I needed a weapon for the fight  
>What I pulled out was a stick of dynamite<p>

Makes great gifts for the holidays  
>"It's my in a pack, babayyyy"<br>If you talk smack, I'll put you in my sack  
>What's this? It's midget in my fanny pack!"<p>

I hear a chorus of "oooh's" coming from the back seat.

"What?" I say.

"You said like, a bajillion bad words just now!"

"Well older people can say bad words."

They grunted in unison.

We get to the Mall and I pick out a fairly good DVD player and a few appropriate DVD's. Some of them looked kinda interesting. I was excited to see them. We passed a toy store on the way out.

"Ooooh Emmett! Can we go inside?"

"Sure thing L-man"

We go in. Man was it large in there. The store was bigger than a house! The kiddos start to browse while I daydream about Rose. It was a while before I say "Okay Kiddos. Are we gonna buy something? Kiddos?" Awww Crap. I lost them… in this gigantic store. I was totally dead. Again.

**Hahahaha**_**! Great job Emmett!**_** Can't wait to see how this turns out huh? Well school starts soon so I might not update everyday but I promise I will update often! Don't kill me! Review! Do it! I know you wanna! It's this button.- **

**V **

V

V

V


	4. I Found Them! But It's Gonna Cost Me

**Are you ready for this? Are you sure? I might be a little too epic for you. Question time! Should I include romance in the future chapters? Emmett and Rosalie obviously. Put your answer in the review thing-a-ma-gig!**

**I would like to honor **_**123**_** because *sniffle* she, *dramatic pause* was the FIRST person EVER to review my story. You are the **_**best!**_** *cries a single tear***

**I know. That was extremely poetic. Relax. It's time for the story…**

**Disclaimer: I don't not not not not not not not not not own Twilight. :-P**

**Emmett POV**

I know what you're thinking. How could I lose the kids? Don't blame me! There were two of them! Blame the lady that gave birth to the boogers.

So I did the rational thing and started shouting their names and running. "Chloe, Lucas?"I kept running and then I stopped and thought, _If I was a 5 year old boy, where would I go in a toy store as big as this? _"Action figures and race cars! " I said out loud.

No one was around and no one would see anyway so I used my full Vampire speed to run to the boy's section. Being a vamp I probably should have seen it, but I was distracted and I tripped right over the little toy car sitting there in the aisle.

I heard a laugh coming from above me and looked up just in time to see Lucas disappearing on the top shelf. Oh God, he was going to fall. I couldn't climb up there because I was too heavy and the shelf would fall and hurt him even more.

So I ran to the other side of the shelf and tried to coax him down into my arms.

"Hey! Lucas! Get down here. I just want you to be safe!" I felt like someone trying to stop a friend from committing suicide. Weird. "Okay little dude, I'll buy you whatever you want if you get down right now."

"You were gonna buy me something anyway! How about four somethings and we get ice cream on the way home."

Hey… this kid was smart. I put on my 'No Bargaining Face' and said flatly "Two somethings and I don't tell your mom about this"

"Tempting," How did he know the word tempting? "I thought you were rich! Why not three somethings, ice cream, you don't tell my mom, and I show you were my sister is."

"I am rich!" I thought about it. Only two things _and_ I find his sister faster. Bonus. Too bad I couldn't just sniff her out, but all kids smelled the same, and kid smell was _everywhere _in this joint. "Fine." I say. He jumps down and I catch him and set him down. I make him hold my hand so he doesn't run away again.

"Over here."

The area that Chloe was in was just so… so _pink_! I was almost blinded and it made me want to puke. Of course she has opened up a package of some kiddy makeup set. She looked like a freaking clown.

She looks at me innocently and says, so sweetly, "I'm only eight. I didn't know better." She shrugs.

"Great. Now I have to buy that." Was my clever response.

I grabbed her hand and towed her along with Lucas and the Makeup set. On the way to the checkout counter Lucas picked out three items and Chloe got one more thing. I paid while mumbling rude comments, Those kids had expensive taste.

As we walked by a clothing store I saw Alice and waved stupidly at her. She looked at my like I was crazy and came out to say hi.

"Oh. My. God. These kids are soooooo cute!" She cried as soon as she saw them.

"Who's this Emmett? Your girlfriend?" Said Lucas The Punk.

Alice's smile disappeared. "Yeah right. Who are you? His fan club?" Lucas stuck his tongue out at her and she stuck hers out back.

"Alice is my sister, Smart One." I said.

"She's really pretty." Said Chloe. Alice smiled at her and said, "Oh my gosh! I have an idea for the c-utest outfit for you! Emmet can I take her shopping? We'll just be 30 min." I knew that was probably not true but I agreed and we split up.

"Your sister's kinda cute." Lucas said as soon as he thought she couldn't hear. Of course she could.

"What the Hell is wrong with you?" He shrugged.

"I saw you lose them," Alice said from a couple hundred feet away. "They're gong to tell their mom."

"Did you see that or is that a guess?" I mutter so Lucas can't hear me.

"Not telling."

And I'm dead. For the third time.

**Yay. I have nothing else to say to you except to review. Bye Bye! School's gonna make doing this hard so be patient! Review! Love GWG**


	5. I'm Finally Done

**Heyyyyy….. So please don't kill me. You know how those first few weeks of school are crazy? Yeah so that's what happened to me. I'm pretty sure at least two of my teachers hate me and I've embarrassed myself in front of all of them. Anyway, I'm back and I will try to update often but it looks like I'll only be able to do it on Fridays, Saturdays, or Sundays. Thanks for sticking with me. Also, do you have any ideas for what I should do next? **

**Disclaimer: I wish I owned Twilight, but sadly, I do not.**

**Edward's POV**

So I was just sitting at the piano, playing music while Bella stared. She was so weird. Then I heard Emmet's thoughts:

_Yo Eddy, can you hear me? I just realized you can't answer me. Anyway, I'm bringing the kids I'm babysitting over. I decided to tell you through my thoughts so you couldn't say no. Hahahaha! Ahem. So I've got Alice too .See ya soon. Eddy._

I always knew he was crazy. I growled.

"What Edward?" Bella said.

"Emmett's bringing three children back here. One of them is Alice by the way."

"Ooooh! Kiddos! I can't wait to meet them!"

"You are childish and strange."

I get up and walk into the kitchen while Bella looks like she's just been slapped. I leave her behind and call my family into the kitchen with me.

"People! Emmett's decided to bring some squishy, blood filled, 2 year olds into our home. We have to prepare ourselves! No eating them, okay? That means you Jasper!"

Jasper stuck his tongue out at me.

"We have to put on the act that we are perfectly human. Got it?" We can do th-"

Jasper came up behind me and messed up my hair. My. Hair.

"AHHHHHHHH! SCREW OFF, JASPER, YOU BUTTHEAD! QUICK, BELLA, GET A COMB AND SOME HAIR GEL! HURRY!" I shouted. I ran upstairs with Bella following me as I heard a chorus of laughter coming from the kitchen.

**Emmett's POV**

All I had to hear was Edward screaming before I ran at human speed up the porch with Lucas, Chloe and Alice tucked in my arms. I burst through the door while they were screaming.

"Heeeeeeeerrrrrreeeee's Emmy!" I said. Then "L O L."

I ran over to Rosalie and kissed her passionately. Then I remembered there were children present. Rose smirked as Lucas gaped at her. He was such a player. Then he said something that felt like a slap in the face.

"I'm hungry."

Seven pairs of topaz eyes and one pair of brown ones looked at him, then at me.

I stuttered. "I-I uh, um, er. Well…"

"What," Lucas said, "Do you not eat or something?" He glanced at Alice.

She gasped and frowned at me. All the other vamps in the room stared at me,waiting for an answer. I came up with something. "Of course we eat." I tried to put a whole lot of meaning into my eyes as I looked at Esme. _Pizza, chicken nuggets, whatever kids like! _"My mom just needs to go get some more ingredients for dinner."

She murmured something and left for the store.

"So what do you guys do around here for fun?" Chloe said.

I glanced at Rose and smirked but just said "Nothing. Hang out with my siblings. And Bella." I added

She posed and winked when everyone looked at her. "Strange." Edward said. She frowned.

Star-crossed-lovers my butt.

All of a sudden Alice starts jamming out on the saxophone and Rose has her Trombone out and is playing too. Edward runs over to the piano and plays along while Carlisle gets his clarinet and Jasper finds his drumsticks. They start playing this awesome Jazz song and I consider getting my flute out. Yeah I play flute. Is there a problem? Too bad Esme wasn't back yet or we could have a sick trumpet lead. Bella starts to sing. Weirdo.

"I know!" I say, "We could do prank calls."

"Omigosh, yes" Alice trills.

Instruments are put away and we gather around the phone.

"!" Alice trills for 20 seconds flat. " me first."

"Okay, okay, okay! Here." I handed her the cell phone "Put it on speaker."

"Hehehe. I'm calling Mike Newton." She giggles. Edward growls which only makes her laugh harder.

" Yo, yo, yo. You be hittin' up, Mikey-Mike Newton in the hizz- ouse!"

Alice stares at Jasper with an incredulous expression. He shrugs.

"Um. Hi." She begins in an annoying high pitched voice. "My name is Mickey-Lee and I'm from Los Angeles. My cheer leading squad needs money so I was wondering if you wanted to buy some cookies to support us. And if you can't I'm also currently singllllllllllleeeeee!"

"Hey sure I'll go out with you. I live in Washington so it'll have to be long-distance but I'm sure we can make it wo-"Alice hangs up on him.

"Desperate fool." She grumbles "What time do the kids have to be in bed by?"

"Ummmm…." I say

"Emmett you are an idiot." Edward says.

"Okay kiddos. I'm taking you home." I say, "Kiddos?"

They're asleep. I scoop them up and grab the Volvo's car keys because my Jeep wasn't fast enough. I drive, at double the legal limit, to their house in three minutes. I put them in bed and left a note because I didn't really want to wait around Martha McAllen's house. It said that said I had to leave for a family emergency and to just send me my check in the mail. Also, to call me if she ever needs another babysitter. Those little kids had grown on me. I leave and head back to my house. Today had been a long day.

**I don't know why Edwards a jerk today. I just felt like it ok? I play trombone in a jazz band so I thought that would be fun for the Cullens. Don't forget to review! – Love GWG**


	6. Author's Note

**Hey people I just realized that some of the parts in the chapter didn't show up and its all messed up. They weren't really important I just wanted you to know that I'm still sane and I know how to write. Thank you.**


End file.
